It’s December, you know that means we’ll soon be approaching the dreaded New Years Resolution territory. This is always thrilling and exciting for some and breeds a ground of curiosity, adventure, and stretching… or maybe that is just me?!
For most, this time of the year is full of anxiety. Then, to top it off, we end the year and roll right into “New Year New You” slogans, and it’s a bit overwhelming. If you are anything like me, you’ve set resolutions and then felt like a complete failure three weeks in when your drowning in cake icing and pop tarts. I am all for goals and resolutions, but that will come in time and must be done with intention. For now, I want to spend some time talking about what NOT to bring to your new year. Let’s review the things we should stop before 2022.
- People Pleasing. Do you suffer from the disease of an extreme desire to please all those around you, including strangers? Come sit beside me in that boat. We spend hours of time worrying and fretting over making sure others around us are happy, but the truth is, you don’t control anyone’s happiness except your own. The question I ask is – is this habit making you happy? I doubt it. In fact, it’s inhibiting your growth. It’s holding you back and likely adding to your already full plate.
For example, I once changed the channel of a far tv at a public gym… across the room, an older man yelled, “I was watching that!” and I immediately turned it back and apologized multiple times, conveying my horrible act of changing the channel. The amount of time that I worried and felt bad for this is embarrassing to admit. I still have no idea who he was, had never met him, and haven’t seen him since. But why in the world am I obsessing about a stranger being upset with me? Here’s what I have been learning: we people please because we need validation. We need others (even random strangers) to accept us and like us. We want to know that we are worthy, we are good, and we are liked. Seeking external validation is the culture we live in, and it is exacerbated by social media. “How many likes did I get on my picture?!” Hello, insecurities. I’ve been there, and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t still a struggle for me in a lot of areas.
- Fear of Failure. This is a trait many carry in order to go along with people-pleasing. We are so afraid to take the wrong step that we take no steps. This can come in many forms – big and small. In the past, I avoided setting a goal because I just didn’t know if I could handle not hitting it. The fear of not passing the test, not finishing the race, or closing the deal is embarrassing and leads to self-doubt. The fear is still real today in many ways, but the tricky thing about failure is, the more you fail, the less it hurts. One of the hardest lessons to learn, but the trick I would and still use is – what’s the worst that can happen? Walk down that path and keep asking yourself this when it comes to fear. You’ll find that often, things aren’t near as bad as you made them out in your mind, and likely, no one will notice but you. In our house, I stole an idea from Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx. I frequently ask my son, what did you fail at today? We celebrate failure. We talk about how important it is to try and fail because that means you are learning and growing. It’s been fun to watch his fear transform into hilarious stories about failing to sing a solo in choir. We’ve by no means mastered this; I see myself and my fears of failure in this mini-me every day. It’s hard to watch, but I just hope I can take a bit of his fear, pain, or worry away in one small way. I think, as parents, that’s all we can do.
- The Opinions of Others. We’ve already established the people-pleasing, but this is a bit deeper. We can become so concerned and determined to influence the opinions others have of us. And this, as someone once famously quoted, is none of your business. Someone else’s opinion of you is not your truth, and you do not have to believe it. This is their own reflection of their experiences and world view shaped into an opinion. My granny used to say that opinions are like @$$-holes, and everyone has one. If you are like me, you might get wrapped up in what someone has said about you.
I once (and still do) have people tell me, “you are intense.” This bothered me at first. I thought that meant that I was too much, and they had a negative opinion of me. Should I be smaller? Should I be less? Now, when someone tells me that, I simply say, “Thank you!” I am intense. That is true. But that isn’t the whole truth. What is something that you believe that someone else says of you? Are you letting it turn into a negative inside your head? Could you flip it to something positive in your own eyes? Let me tell you the motto I live by – if it is not raising my vibrations or my bank account, then it’s no. If the opinions of others are meant to hurt or shame me, then it doesn’t get to take up space in my head. There is a caveat to this; the opinions of some do matter. There are those in your circle, and you know who they are, that their opinion of you has weight and carries significance, but the point you must first learn is your opinion of you is what matters most.
Let’s go into 2022 and work towards our best selves by enhancing and embracing who we already are and what we can be. Imagine a world in which we loved ourselves and what might be possible for you in 2022 if you approached goals and dreams with a mindset of acceptance versus trying to change yourself.
