As we start coming out of the fog of COVID 19, we can’t help but be overwhelmed with the information and messages of who is to blame. Who is to blame for the pandemic? What about the economy? My unemployment, my weight gain, my kids’ school, my chaotic life, my extra stress, and my new wine drinking habit? Just me? I sure have spent some time laying blame at others’ feet lately, and then I realized, for every finger pointing at someone else, there are four pointing back at me. So, let’s pick up a mirror and look at who’s to blame for your current situation. Real talk time.
This is far more than a pandemic; this is quickly becoming the norm in an age of social media comparison and instant gratification. We are quick to judge, quick to use language to hurt, and quick to find who is to blame for the current life (or lack thereof). Hear me first say, some of these things are absolutely real and true. You absolutely could have had a relationship that hurt you; you could have gotten sick or lost a loved one, lost your job, experienced a trauma. Those are real, and I am not here to discount them. But I am here to ask you to first ask yourself, “Has anyone in this condition gotten back up?” Quick answer, they have. First, it’s important to understand why you are blaming others, and then we will overcome it.
Blame first comes from self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from what you repeatedly tell yourself and what you repeatedly do. You may constantly be so critical of yourself, or you are speaking to yourself in a way that could not possibly grow your confidence or belief in yourself. Would you talk to your best friend that way? Your kid? Stop the pattern and catch yourself. If you want joy, happiness, and freedom – it will not come from blame. There is no pride that comes from blame, and pride is something you earn. Self-esteem does not come from what people say about you – it comes from what you say about yourself. Self-esteem and ending blame must first come from recognizing the patterns you are telling yourself, the action you take in spite of it, and the momentum you build from that one action.
Example: I am overweight, gained 20 pounds since last year and can’t lose it. I don’t have time to go to the gym; I always start and stop. I just cannot control my food with all this chaos right now.
Shift: I can start today. I can do one thing in my health to move me forward. I will take a 15-minute walk – inside my house if I must. I can, and I will because I want to show up as the best version of myself. Once you create that action of the walk, and you complete it, momentum builds. We do that each day, every single day. Every day you get a choice. The only one you are competing against is yourself, and you just want to be a bit better than you were yesterday.
Second, living in the past. If you live in the present by looking in the rearview mirror as your guide, you are destined to repeat it. People come from hard things and have experienced trauma, that is no doubt. They have to heal from that. I highly support and have participated in my own therapy journey with mental health. What I am talking about is constantly reliving and recreating the same problems you claim to hate because of “my parents,” “my spouse,” or “my personality is just this way; it’s just who I am.” No, that’s not who you are; that’s your scapegoat. It’s a lot easier to sit in the comfort of blame than to take action to change. But remember, what you are not changing, you are choosing. Read that again. The only way to heal from a blameful past is to start new. Who is it you want to be? Build the story in written form, on paper. Write out who the best version of you, and who will show up today. Some days you will show up as that person and bask in the glory. Some days you will fall back into the old habits of blame. That’s called life. But make no mistake, the choice each day is yours. You are more than someone else’s influence, and you better start acting like it before you repeat those beliefs on to your kids or those closest around you.
Blame and excuses carry a sneaky truth. They are real. There really is a global pandemic. There really is job loss, lives lost, and painful changes that we cannot control. So, I ask you, what do you have control of? Once you own it, once you realize that the problem is you, you realize the solution – it’s you.
