February is the month of love, so why not focus on the most important relationship you have – the one with yourself. Self-love has become a buzz phrase lately and you’ll hear all about it from the “gurus” of the world. While there are a million great ideas on how to practice self-love, I believe you must first learn the practice that is often skipped over – you have to learn to love yourself before you can begin practicing self-love. You can take all the bubble baths, do all the workouts, and take all the spa days you want, but if you don’t learn to deal with the monsters in your head you’ll never feel satisfied with those practices.
To add to that, we are in the stages of parenting and careers, spouses, and friends. We are required to give love in so many ways and it seems hard to give love if you aren’t first full of love yourself. Do you ever feel so exhausted by the end of the day and want to cry because you feel drained? Those moments were all too common for me years ago when I started to see that I had to learn to love myself, care for myself, and give to myself before I could become the person on the outside I needed and wanted to be. That’s still a journey I think I am on and, quite frankly, I think I will always be on.
1. Deal with the monsters under the bed
We all have those monsters that were formed at an early age. The ones that tell you, “you are not good enough”, “you are not smart enough”, “you can’t do it”. Other common stories can be, “no one understands me”, “I’ve been through something different”, “no one can do this like me”. Please raise your hand if you’ve felt this (insert me with hands up).
All are common mistakes of the monsters under your bed (or actually in your head). You better face them. You have to take a long look in the mirror and see the reflection as it is – not what you think you see. This is hard but it has to be first. I absolutely hate to admit that most of those above thoughts I have thought at one time or another. The utter shame I once felt for acknowledging it was too hard to carry, but as I grew older I started to see around me that I am not special in my monsters – we ALL have them! It’s in the power of community that we can start to acknowledge them and forgive them.
2. Acceptance and forgiveness
Once you are aware of the power to face your monsters, you usually start to shift. You start the process and journey of overcoming the thoughts and ideas that you felt once defined you and realize that you are shaping the person you become, not your past beliefs. Trust me, you are your thoughts and beliefs. You cannot rise to the person you dream to become if you are holding on to your past self. Like a snake, you must shed that skin and work to not only forgive yourself, but build your future self. This is work. This is daily work. If you think you can just face it once and move on you are sadly wrong. I still have to face these monsters and I still have to fight them off, daily. What happens after a period of time is you start to look back and see the progress, the momentum builds, and when the next monster arises, you wash, rinse, and repeat.
3. Filling your cup
New levels mean new devils. The more you grow, the more you will find monsters. But luckily, there are also habits you are building to work and fill your cup. I once read that when dealing with difficult people you must be so full of love for yourself and the other person that you can’t help but spill out in love no matter what they do or say. It sounds simple, but not easy. This, for me, spawned in the 4 a.m. club. This was my time to build myself, listen to my favorite music, podcasts, and videos. This was my time to sit in my thoughts, journal, pray, and exercise. When I start the day in my own best habits, I start the day with a fighting chance that I will be so full of love for myself and for others that it creates a force field around me to protect my peace and keep the monsters at bay. This doesn’t work every day but I keep showing up every day and doing the work. Find your peace. Whatever that might be. Maybe it’s a nighttime ritual. Maybe it’s a book you listen to on your drive to work. Maybe it’s a 5-minute meditation. The cup can be filled in millions of ways, but you must put the energy into finding what it is that fills yours.
4. Giving love
The greatest way to feel loved is to give love. This came from none other than my favorite guru, Tony Robbins. You want a great marriage? You better love your spouse, show it, and acknowledge them every day, even if they did leave a sink full of dishes. You want to be a better friend? Stop repeating the monster, “but they never call me first, I always do the work”. So what?! You are not in control of anyone else’s actions but your own and you will never be disappointed by giving it your best effort. This does not mean that you don’t have boundaries or let people treat you like crap. It means that you know yourself, you love yourself, and you exude that love to others.
The journey of self-love is never-ending. The beauty of this journey is it creates a safe space for others to show their monsters, share them, and learn how to face them. We have to be willing to share the monsters to learn to love ourselves more, and in turn, that love will be extended to others. For the month of love, my wish for you is to take a long look in the mirror and start on your self-love journey … and maybe a nice spa day too!
