Adoption was always a dream of mine. Something I felt like I could do, that I should do. The way it came to reality was far different than the way my naïve dream was supposed to happen. I had always planned for it to be my choice. But the timeline of my “perfect family of four” didn’t play out the way I had it organized in my pre-teen planner, circled in hearts and name doodlings.
From early on in our relationship, Brian and I knew that both of our hearts were meant to love a large family. That’s one thing that drew us to each other. Shortly after marrying in 2012, Brian and I made the very conscious decision to start trying for a child. We were excited but wildly nervous, as we knew it was going to happen the very first month. 35 months later, our first daughter, Pepper Caroline was born after over a year of ovulation kits, fertility medications, and finally a successful cycle of IVF. Our love for her was far more than we ever imagined. Knowing the challenge we had ahead of us, we decided to start trying for her brother or sister when she was six months old. We were not prepared for the heartache that was to come. After three failed IVF cycles and four miscarriages, our hearts hurt, and our dreams of another child slowly became an intangible idea. Brian and I were constantly torn between the happiness and fulfillment our daughter Pepper gave us every day and the void we felt in our family, like someone was missing. Every loss left a hole in our hearts and a longing we physically could not fill. I changed as a person. I changed as a wife, a daughter, and a mother. My soul ached for what I could not hold. For what I could not carry, and for what I could not give my husband and my daughter.
Our family and friends held us after each loss, trying to restore our hope. Wanting to fix our problems, they soon began asking a question that, in in the past, would have excited me but now only drew resentment. “Why don’t you just adopt?” Just adopt? Like it was that easy. This seemed to be everyone’s solution, but to us, it seemed to be only a Band-Aid to our pain. Adoption went from being something we dreamed of to the dreaded topic of conversation when others were trying to cure us. We began to resent the idea of adoption. It felt like giving up to Brian and me, and we were not ready to give up. Oh, but He was.
On October 10, 2019, we lost our last perfect baby at 9 weeks. This was the forth loss in a year and a half. We were devastated yet again, but with every miscarriage, we learned more about how we needed to grieve and how to walk through this season of life. Brian and I were exhausted. We didn’t know what our next step was or if we even had enough energy to keep going.
Eleven days later, Brian left for work that morning, taking Pepper to school and leaving me at home for a few moments of peace and quiet. I was in our bathroom, getting ready for the day, when my mind drifted to our most recent loss. As I reflected, I quickly heard a response. “You have tried it your way. Now, let’s try it my way. I want you to adopt.” I looked in the mirror and remember giving myself a questionable stare as I tried to convince myself that it was just my own thoughts, but the voice continued, “I have prepared you and Brian for this. This is what I want for you. I want you to adopt. Give it all to me, walk away, and trust me in this. Trust me in this.”
Before I realized it, I was sitting on the cold tile floor, head wrapped in a towel, with tears rolling down my face. They were not tears of anger or sadness but of shock. For the first time, I heard the very audible voice of the Holy Spirit. How do I know it was the Holy Spirit? Because once you have experienced it, there is no mistake, and five minutes before this encounter, adoption was not an option for us. My hands trembling and fear in my voice, I immediately picked up the phone and called Brian. He responded with, “Babe, when we got married, we became one. If the Lord spoke to you, then He’s also speaking to me. This is what we have to do.” Our obedience came before our hearts did.
Over the next week, I hesitantly began the process of trying to understand adoption and the many facets of the system. I wish I could say that from the moment God spoke to me, I became excited about our journey. But the truth is, I was still full of resentment. Why did this have to be our plan? Why couldn’t I carry another child, like so many do? Yet, I confidently knew that we were not adopting because it was our choice but because it was His choice. There was relief in that. He was carrying our cross for us. All we had to do was keep walking forward.
From the moment we said yes, His blessings surrounded us. We just had to learn how to see them and how to give Him the credit.
You see, God had a plan for our daughter from the beginning. Brian and I began the adoption process on October 21, 2019. It took us three months to get through background checks, legalities, and protocols, and we were finally approved in early January 2020. We began seeing birthmother situations later that month. This process was quick and a whirlwind of emotions. Reading these women’s life stories was heartbreaking and nerve-wracking. With every ‘no,’ we felt the familiar sting of disappointment, but God also grew us through these ‘noes,’ strengthening our faith in Him and our confidence in our plan to adopt. With every ‘no,’ our decision to be obedient and adopt was confirmed, and we grew more and more excited for our ‘yes’ to come.
On March 24th, God finally allowed us to see the back stitching of his perfect story. We received the call that our birthmother had chosen us. We screamed. We cried. We celebrated. And then we began to put the pieces of our daughter’s life together. Our birthmother conceived our daughter on October 8, 2019 just 14 days prior to Him speaking to me. But the birthmother did not find out she was pregnant until 5 months later, giving us the exact time we needed to get through the adoption process and our hearts ready for our ‘yes.’ You see, if she had discovered she was pregnant at 6 weeks, not only would Brian and I not have been approved yet, this birthmother would not have seen our profile, and even more possible, not have chosen life for our daughter. You call that ironic? I call that God. From the morning God dropped me to my knees in my bathroom floor to the day we held our second daughter was exactly nine months.
But His blessing didn’t stop there. The COVID-19 pandemic hit shortly after our match with the birthmother and prevented us from physically meeting with her. Instead, we first met her through a Zoom call, and from there, we visited with her virtually every two weeks. Through these tiny screens, we built a love for each other. Each week, we grew closer to her. We loved her. We cherished her. We were grateful for her.
June 21, 2020, we loaded up and traveled to the birthmother’s home state of Florida to await the birth of our daughter. Florida seemed to be the epicenter of COVID-19 at this time. We had much working against us but Him fighting for us. Days after arriving, in the entry of an Olive Garden restaurant, we had the opportunity to meet our daughter’s first mother. Finally, we were able to wrap our arms around her and tell her we loved her. Look her in the eyes and thank her for seeing something in us and saying ‘yes’ to us. She made us feel worthy. It was in this moment we realized we were not just gaining a child, but God put us here so we could show His un-ending love to a girl whose world was broken. As He said, He had prepared us for this. Our hearts were not only ready to love this child but to love her birthmother first.
For the next five days, we anxiously waited for the call that the birthmother was in labor. In the past, birthmothers could choose for the adoptive parents to be at the hospital during the delivery of the child. But because of COVID-19, all hospitals in the state of Florida shut down just weeks before we arrived, prohibiting adoptive parents entry during and after the birth. We were discouraged, not just because we wanted to be there for the first precious moments of our daughter’s life, but to also love and support her first mother. We had become family, and our hearts ached that she had to go through this alone. Reminding ourselves to just keep walking forward, we kept in close contact with her through text messages and phone calls, getting updates as the labor progressed.
On July 2, 2020 at 1:09 AM, our second daughter, Sunny Magnolia, was born. From the first picture her birthmother sent us, we fell in love as we held our breath. Her first mother had 48 hours to sign consents, and because she was a loving girl with a good heart, she struggled with saying goodbye. It was in these 48 hours that all our trust in Him was put to the test. He had prepared our hearts and, more importantly, our faith in Him for these hours. We had a peace knowing that if our daughter’s birthmother chose not to give her up for adoption, God still had a plan for us. That we were meant to be here for her, supporting her along her journey, showing her what unconditional love and God’s grace were. And if she chose to place her child with us, our purpose was still the same but with a precious child in our arms. We just needed to trust Him in this.
July 4, 2020 at 8:12 AM, we received a text message from our adoption caseworker saying, “Consents are signed! Congrats to you both!! You can come up and meet your daughter!” Not only had the hospital allowed Brian and I access but God created the opportunity for us to spend time with her birthmother for two hours before she was discharged. He knew what our hearts needed, and hers. We needed each other. Tears were shed, and sweet moments of authentic love, admiration, and appreciation were exchanged both ways. We held each other close as we made promises to each other and to our daughter. Because of COVID-19, the very first time we saw our daughter’s perfect face, we knew we were her mommy and daddy. See, God protected us from meeting Sunny during those 48 hours, until consents had been signed. He protected us from seeing her until we could have the peace of knowing that her birthmother had chosen us. No more change of plans, no more disappointments. Loving her was easy because God opened our hearts to loving her birthmother first.
Now we see that adoption wasn’t giving up. It was giving us life—the sweet, precious life we had been waiting for, praying for, and fighting for. It gave us our family and a new family we have created with our daughter’s first mother. God created bumps on our path, complete road blacks at times, because He needed our time to be perfect, our hearts to be ready, and our arms willing and waiting to hold our sweet Sunny Magnolia. We didn’t just adopt. We blindly trusted in His plan and chose to wake up every day along the journey with simple faithfulness.
Adoption is not an easy solution. It’s not a cure for the brokenhearted. But it is one of God’s most beautiful love stories lived out in many families across the world. We didn’t choose adoption. God chose adoption for us, and how blessed are we that we have a Father whose plans are always greater than the ones doodled in our calendars?
*Sunny’s name came from her birthmother being from the island of Fiji, and every time we Facetimed her, she was smiling and so bright, like sunshine. When praying one day that this baby would be ours, I heard God very audibly say, “She will be your sunshine after all the darkness.”
