“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
Two years of unchecked anxiety and postpartum depression symptoms triggered an obsession about the safety of my daughter. I didn’t trust anyone else with her and irrationally feared for her life. The obsession morphed into not only fearing for my daughter’s life, but my husband’s as well.
A year and a half into the obsession, God revealed a lack of trust in my heart. I was so focused on micromanaging life for my daughter and worrying about my husband, I left little room for Him. Little by little, God drew me back to Himself, calling me to trust Him with one area of my life at a time. With each surrender, the next area became easier to let go.
All the small steps of saying yes to God over the course of several months led up to an extraordinary step of faith. This time, it was different. Panic set in. What God asked of me really didn’t have anything to do with me, or did it?
I knew God wanted me to say yes to Him in a big way. My body responded to His nudge. Sick to the core and with tears streaming, I pleaded, “God, I want to say yes, but nothing is more important to me than my husband and daughter.”
“Exactly, my child,” He whispered. God knew my ‘nothing’ included Him. My soul ached as I sensed God’s nudge. “I want you to trust me with both of them.”
Tears flooded my vision as I struggled to hold on to the two most precious gifts God had given me. The wife and mother within me clutched them even more in an attempt to wrap them so tightly that nothing and no one could hurt them. I dedicated every day to see they were cared for and protected. “They need me to protect them. How can I let them go? Who will take care of them?” I questioned.
“I will.” God assured.
“But they need me,” I pleaded.
God responded again with a sure and strong, “I will. I knew both of them before they were born. Do you think I do not want good things for them?”
God’s plans for their lives far exceeded any I could ever hope for them. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says, He knew His plan for their life, plans for good. Plans to give them a hope and a future.
But that was the problem. God knew the plans. I did not. Fear of the unknown future burdened me beyond my level of faith and trust in the Lord. In panic, I held on even tighter, refusing to let anyone touch my gifts. I failed to realize God didn’t ask me to stop loving or caring for my husband and daughter. He simply asked me to let Him be in control of their lives.
My gifts belonged to the Giver. Fighting no longer, I surrendered. I felt as though I abandoned my two-year-old – alone with no protection. The intensity was more than I could bear. I wailed and cried out to Jesus. But, in my soul, I heard, “Emily, I’m with you. Trust me. Just trust me.”
His tender words assured me I had not abandoned either of them but provided them the greatest Protector possible. The weight of control lifted as each tear fell.
Up to this point, I lived in fear, and my trust in God was shallow. Releasing my husband and daughter allowed me to be empty of everything. Empty so God could fill me with Himself. His peace. His strength. His love.
God is an amazing gift giver. He loves to lavish us with His blessings. Yet, if we hold on too tight, we will not have room in our lives for the blessings He has waiting for us. I filled my life and heart with the two most precious gifts given to me, leaving very little room for the Gift that should have overflowed out of my heart all along.
God, life brings heartache, but You bring comfort. Thank You for teaching me to trust You, especially during the hardest times. It is Your peace that brings me through these impossible moments. I pray for the person reading this now. I know there are others clinging to their gifts. They fear the future. Will You give them peace to know You have plans for a hope and a future? Give them strength to open their hands and hearts and allow You to work in their life and the life of their loved ones. God, let them know You are near. You are good. And God, above all, I pray they know You love them.
